If it is death
I can’t promise you
But if it is life
I promise to love you
with every breath I take.
If it is death
I can’t promise you
But if it is life
I promise to love you
with every breath I take.
On this day my mother bore me.
On this day five and twenty years ago the silence put me between the hands of this existence, full with cries and battle and contending.
Thus I have walked round the sun twenty and five times. And I know not how many times the moon has encircled me. Yet I have not unveiled the secrets of life neither I have known the hidden things of darkness.
I have walked five and twenty times with the earth and the moon and the sun and the planets around the Universal law.
Behold now my spirit murmuring the names of that Law like caves echoing the voice of sea waves. Its being is in His being, but knows not His essence; it sings the songs of His ebb and flow, but comprehends Him not.
Twenty and five years ago the hand of time wrote me as a word in this book of this strange terrifying world. Behold me, then, a word vague and confused of meaning; now signifying no thing; now meaning many things.
On this day of the year thoughts and reflections and remembrance jostle one the other in my soul. They stand before me as processions of days gone by and show me phantoms of nights long departed. Then they are dispersed as the winds disperse straying clouds at twilight. They dwindle and become faint in the corners of my room like the songs streams in far-off and empty valleys.
On this day every year comes the spirits that have molded my spirit, hastening toward me from all corners of the earth, encircling me with songs of sad remembrance.
Then gently they withdraw and hide behind visible things. They are like birds that descend upon an abandoned threshing-floor and, finding there no grain, flutter awhile ere flying off to another place.
On this day the meaning of my past life rises up before me as a faded mirror into which I look long and see therein naught, except the pallid faces of years like the faces of the dead; and the wrinkled figures of hopes and dreams and passions like the features of old men.
Then I close my eyes and look a second time in the mirror and I see naught but my face;
And I look into my face and behold therein sadness. I examine this sadness and find it dumb and giving not utterance. Yet could this sadness speak, it were sweeter than joy.
Much have I loved in these five and twenty years. And much that I have loved is hateful to people; and much that I have hatred is by them admired. What I have loved as a boy I cease now to love. And that which I now love I shall love to the end of my days. For love is the all I can attain, and no person shall deprive me thereof.
Many of the times I have loved death and called it by sweet names and wooed it in secret and public places. Life also have I loved. For death and life are to me in beauty, and equal in delight, and partners in the growth of my longing and yearning. They have shared alike my love and affection.
I have loved freedom, and my love has grown with the growth of my knowledge of the bondage of people to falsehood and deceit. And it has spread with my understanding of their submission to idols created by dark ages and raised up by folly and polished by the touch of adoring lips.
But I have loved also those adorers with my unfettered love. Yea, I have had pity on them, for they are blind and kiss the bloody lips of a wild beast and see not; suck up the venom of the viper and feel not. They dig their own graves with their fingernails and know not.
I have loved freedom because I have found it to be a maiden whom aloness has made sickly and solitude rendered weak until she is become a phantom passing among houses, standing in streets and calling on the passerby, who hears not nor heeds her.
In five and twenty years have I loved happiness as have all men. I have awakened each morning and sought it even as they have sought. But I have found it not in their ways, neither have I seen its footprints on the sand outside their mansions; nor have I heard echo of its voice coming from within their temples.
But when I sought it in solitude, I heard my spirit thus whisper in my ear, saying: “Happiness is a child born and brought to life in the heart’s depths; it comes not to it from without.”
And when I opened my heart to see happiness, I found therein its mirror and its couch and garments. It I did not find.
I have loved all people – much have I loved them. In my sight people are of three kinds. One curses life; one blessed it; one observes it. I have loved the first for his despair; and the second for his tolerance; the third for his understanding.
Thus have passed twenty and five years. So have gone my days and my nights, hastening on, one on the heels of another; falling from my life as leaves from the tree in the path of autumn winds.
And today, today I stand in remembrance as a tired wayfarer who stands midway on the ascending road, and I look on this side and that and see not in the past of my life anything to which I can point before the sun and say; This is to me.
Neither do I find in the seasons of my years any harvest save leaves tinted with drops of ink, and strange scattered tracings full with line and color, harmonious and discordant.
In these dispersed pages and drawings I have buried and interred my feelings and my thoughts and dreams as does the husbandman seeds in the earth.
But the peasant who goes out to the field and sows his seeds in the soil returns with hope to this house at eventide and awaits the season of harvesting and gathering. Not so I. For I have cast forth seeds of my heart and there is no hope, neither is there awaiting.
And now that I am come to this stage of my journey and see that past from beyond a mist of sighing and grieving, and the future from behind the veil of the past, I stand and gaze on existence from my window.
I behold the faces of people and hear their voices rising upwards. I hear the fall of their footsteps among the dwellings and feel the touch of their spirits and the waves of their desires and the beating of their hearts.
I see children at play running and jumping and throwing bits of soil at one another, the while laughing with glee.
And the young men I see walking with firm step, their heads held high as though they would read a poem of youth writ on the margin of clouds lined with sun rays. And the maiden who walk and sway like young boughs and smile like flowers, the while they gaze upon the young men from under lids that flutter with love and desire.
I see old men walking slowly with their bent backs, leaning on sticks and looking on the ground, as though seeking between the cracks precious stones they have lost.
So do I stand at my window and look and ponder on these images and shadows in their silent progress through the streets and byways of the city.
Then I look to that which is beyond the city and see the wild parts in their awful beauty and voiced silence, and rising hills and sloping valleys. The erect trees and gently swaying grass and fragrant flowers; the chanting rivers and singing birds.
I look to that which is beyond the wild places and I behold the sea and the wonders and marvels of its depths, its secrets and buried things. Its foaming waves in their anger and scorn; its spume and spray; its rise and its fall. All this do I see.
And I look then to that which is beyond the sea, and I perceive the limitless firmament with its worlds floating in space, and the brilliant stars and the suns and the moons. And all the planets and fixed stars, and all the contending and reconciled forces of attraction and repulsion do I see, created and borne by that Will, timeless and without limit. Submitting to a Universal law whose beginning has no beginning and whose end is without end.
Through my window I look and ponder on these things and I am forgetful of the five and twenty years and the ages that preceded them and the centuries that will follow. And my being and my existence are manifest before me, the concealed and the revealed, as the ghost of a child’s sigh trembling in the eternal depths of space and its everlasting heights and endless boundaries. And I feel existence of this ghost, this spirit, this essence, this self I call “I”. I fell its stirrings and hear its clamor. Now does it lift its wings upwards and stretch forth its hands in all directions, and sway trembling on this day which showed it to existence. Now in a voice from its holy of holies does it cry:
“Peace, O Life. Peace, O awakening. Peace, O vision”
“Greeting, O day, whose light conquers earth’s darkness. Greeting, O night, whose darkness reveals the light of the firmament.”
“Greeting to spring, which renews the earth’s youth; to summer, which proclaim the sun’s splendor. Greeting to autumn, the giver of labor’s fruits and toil’s reward; to winter, which brings back in its tempest nature’s strength.”
“To the years which reveal that which the years have hidden. To the ages which have redressed the wrongs of ages: Greeting.”
“Peace, O time, who carry us onward to perfection. And peace to you, guiding spirit, who are the reigns of existence; who are hidden from us behind the sun’s veil.”
“Peace and greeting to you, O heart, because you meditate whilst yet overcome with weeping.”
“And to you, O lips, greeting and peace, for verily do you speak peace whilst yet tasting of bitterness.”
a year ago
a story ended.
She chose her 7 years old lover
I was short just by one.
See how important are numbers!!
Don’t fool yourself by believing
Numbers don’t matter!
We live in a materialistic world
so it would be better if we stopped being a mystic!!
This is the question I often ask myself, so what’s now?
I’ve achieved what I wanted so what’s now?
I’ve become what I wanted to be so what’s now?
I’ve love of my life with me so what’s now?
All my dreams have come true so what’s now?
I’ve a tendency to forget things I have or I’ve achieved in my life. I make plans after so much hard work and dedication and then I forget them or get distracted.
I don’t really want to change when I’m with you. I want to be crazy for you even after getting married. This fire of love should never extinguish!!
They say “one who cares less is powerful in a relationship”. I never cared for power in our relationship, I cared for you only, that’s the reason I let you decide everytime. Don’t think I’m weak and can’t take decisions. I can, like I took a decision for myself to go forward without you.
I was born in an abusive family, I was never abused but women in my family were. The day I met you, I decided to throw away this inborn temperament for you. I never wanted to hurt you and I hope I never did.
It’s not always a woman who changes a man, sometimes it’s a man who changed himself for his woman.
PS these notes are a part of my 40 days of contemplation in which I used to focus on my flaws and come out as a better person.
This is my first handwritten letter to you in almost 5 years. Yes, it’s been 5 years of knowing and loving you. I don’t remember the exact date on which we met, it was the grace of God that brought me to you. When I look back, I see how silly I was, with you I’ve become a good person (maybe not). A lot has changed after you came in my life and I’m grateful to you for that.
You know, I’m on verge of changing myself again and I work hard everyday. I’ve spent a long time in darkness and now I can see the light, I’m not there yet but I’ll be there soon. You’ll be surprised to know the things I’m doing these days.
How are you?
Do the kids at school still bother you?
You have bought a new car?
Are you playing baseball this year?
So many questions lol!!
Sometimes I can’t understand your actions and then I realize that this is because I see you from the point of view of a man. I never thought women are different.
I miss you, love. I miss you very much!
I don’t know how to be this letter as I feel like I could write for years and still not get tired.
Thank you for who you are. In one way or another you’ve always helped me.
PS I love you
“It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like the morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Last few days or I must say months
have been hard for me and
I think I’m making them hard for you too
with my whimsical moods.
Honestly, I feel unloved and ignored
most of the times, but it is not
your fault as my heart has been
very needy or greedy these days.
But I never stopped loving you
It is easy to fall for you than
to build a wall against you.
One day, I came to know that
Rumi wrote 10,000 poems for his beloved.
The only figure that came to my mind was 10 million.
Without you, I’m shallow
like this poem, no rhyme
no rhythm, just simple living.
I could write sad poems
But no, today is not a sad day.
It’s s day brimming with joy
If it’s not, I’ll steal everything from the sky
Just for you.
Your birthday comes on the last day
of August, bringing a change in the nature.
Just like you brought in my life.
You are an ocean
I want to be drowned in.
Knowing your heart is not easy
for it requires breaking my heart
a million times.
Do you think I can endure it?
I don’t know much about life
this world and love
but I know one thing
that you’re beautiful
and you always will be.
P.S I think it’s time to use the past tense since you are no longer in my future.
When you love
of losing her
and you pray to God
for her happiness
for her safety
and for being together
but when she is no longer with you
you have nothing to pray for
and praying becomes just a formality.
I know this may sounds like selfishness
but being a martyr isn’t a beautiful thing.
A farmer waiting for the rain with half of his crops taken away by the sun and half he gave to hope, what’s left with him? Nothing, I feel like that.
A plant wondering where it went wrong for its fruits are not sweet, I feel like that.
A clock which just keeps ticking not knowing what time it is and how long it will take to be, I feel like that.
When you wanted to love
I gave you all of me.
When you wanted to leave
I didn’t stand in your way.